Airport scanners blow up passengers

A friend of mine has this original solution to the threat of airline terrorism.

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will
not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have
hidden on or in your body.

The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.  This would
be a win-win for everyone.

There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device
would eliminate long and expensive trials.  This is so simple that
it’s brilliant.  I can see it now: you’re in the airport  terminal and
you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,
“Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight
number…”

YA fantasy trilogy finished in time for election

It has been some time since my last post but I felt after several years of consistent blogging I really needed a rest. Since then there has been a litany of topics that have had me spitting bullets, usually connected with manic PC, crazy issues of so-called religious freedom and its battle against legal constraints that appear to have something to do with human rights. There seems to be some muddled thinking going on that confuses belief with the expression of belief if that expression contravenes a human right. When Muslim workers in the health service are allowed to expose their arms despite the apparent risk of spreading infection and a Christian woman loses her appeal for her right to wear a cross around her neck – something is seriously wrong.

And, in the UK, we have an election, one that has had me yawning all the way to the local pub.

More importantly (for me, I admit) is the final edit of my young adult fantasy ‘The Kingdom Of The Nanosaurs’, first of a trilogy called ‘The Kingdoms Of Time And Space’. Now begins the painful process of looking for the right agent. Wish me luck!

£3,000 for not rearing pigs – let’s all do it

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the “not rearing pigs” business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is – until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear?

I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Anti political correctness campaign

There really should be a fight back by most sensible (or even insensible) people against the corrosive effect of the political correctness agenda that is insinuating itself into almost every aspect of our lives. I include in this the terrifying rise in surveillance of ordinary people. Some of this is necessary but in so many aspects of our lives we are watched, weighed, assessed, monitored, told what to believe and what not, without the ability to cause offence if this is unavoidable. What say you?

Sorry for Nick Griffin?

Image by Rex Chen via Flickr

The furore over BNP leader Nick Griffin’s appearance on BBC TV’s ‘Question Time’ shows no sign of abating. I have to say, I knew very little about Nick Griffin or his past comments before the show. What surprised me was how much the ordinary people in the street who were interviewed knew about him and them. I suspect most people are just regurgitating a mish-mash of news coverage and comment and are passing them off as their own.

We cannot allow ourselves to play the game of banning people like this from airing their views – to be agreed with or disagreed with, however near-the-knuckle they may be.

The trouble is, however distasteful and upsetting, people like Nick Griffin probably suspect that a large, soggy, wet blanket of political correctness has been dumped on Britain whereby many ordinary people, mostly the white underclass, are terrified to say what what they really feel. So there could be a festering, deeply bitter and emotional resentment about the way they see what they regard as ‘their’ country simmering deep within the English psyche. One day it may explode and play into the hands of parties such as the BNP.

Checks on adults supervising children

I must join the ranks of the voices raised against the plans and the new quango set up to bring tighter controls and background checks on people who have more than a passing contact with children other than their own. I do not believe there are paedophiles lurking behind every tree although I concede sensible precautions must be taken with people working directly with children at schools, sports clubs and the like.

Children and young people will eventually be the sufferers if they are molly coddled and protected the point of being unable to play and enjoy life, nature, the countryside and our towns with a degree of unrestriction. It will also become a point of leverage as smart youngsters ask any helpful stranger if they have been vetted. If not, the implication is that they could be dangerous in some way. If I saw a child in trouble I would try to help without thinking if I was breaking some law or other and could be fined £5,000. At least the outpouring of criticism has resulted in the head of the quango (do we really need another one with spending cuts on the way) taking a backward step by saying that the, no doubt, endless series of meetings, seminars and conferences that will undoubtedly ensue will take a sensible look at the situation to make it clear that we won’t all be painted with the paedophile brush.

On this subject, does this affect a group of mums organising a school run rota? If not, what would happen if a dad deputised? Would he be at risk while the wives were not?

Husbands and wives

Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Image via Wikipedia

David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

Socrates
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Anonymous
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas
The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”

James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”

Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.

Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…

Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Anonymous
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Joined the Twitter generation and trying to work it out

Image by luc legay via Flickr

I have been a trifle late getting on board the Twitter bandwagon. I am not sure I can be bothered with Facebook or MySpace. People say they are good for business but I think you’d have to spend an inordinate amount of time tweeting and pasting and commenting etc to get anywhere.

Anyway, do join me on twitter

Socializer – free automatic social bookmark submission

Socializer – free automatic social bookmark submission.

£1m to walk in the countryside

I was staggered to hear that the UK Lottery Fund is to make £1m available to be spent on encouraging ethnic minorities to experience the British countryside – walks, treks, exploration and all that goes with it – weather and all. I am all for everyone enjoying the countryside but why pick on ethnic minorities? There are quite a percentage of indigenous Brits who never set foot on a blade of free growing grass, climbed mountains and strolled along river banks in the wild. When you add that to the expected cuts in public spending, the inherent greed of the moneymakers, bankers and dealers with only their personal bank balances in mind, then there must be better things to spend £1m on.

I can see no earthly reason why a member of any ethnic minority cannot find the countryside, waymarked walks, shops where they can buy maps all by themselves. Why do they need lottery funding to do this? It is just another example of the crass stupidity of the political correct generation that have steadily eroded all our personal drive and ingenuity. Spend the money on something worthwhile.

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